Discussing sex and sexual problems with teenagers can be a intimidating task, especially for parents. The way media venues depict sex and sexuality has shaped societal perceptions and created an openness that was a lot more muted when I was a woman. http://newyork5starescorts.com When my daughter was getting ready to enter middle school I felt we had a need to have a discussion on the ramifications and risks connected with sex. My daughter had already told me in regards to a fourteen year old girl she knew was pregnant and a thirteen year old peer who had already had an STD twice. This last little bit of information have been garnered in the sex education curriculum the institution district used as part of ‘health’ in the sixth grade for children whose parents gave permission because of their child to attend the class.
Opening and sustaining a shared dialog between teens and a parent is paramount as, developmentally and emotionally, most teens are somewhere within adolescence and adulthood whatever their chronological age. Serious discussions, especially concerning peers or social-emotional issues must be approached carefully. The key is to not alienate teenagers by minimizing the worthiness of these knowledge or experience, to be casual instead of demanding, not to lecture, also to include them in the discussion. Parents need to listen along with talk no matter what the main topics a discussion is they’re having with their sons and daughters.
To make certain I was well informed and able to undertake this task I did research on the net and at the local public library. I garnered information from the local chapter of Planned Parenthood and the County Health Department. I got statistics on teen pregnancy, single parents, and other data from the Kansas Kids Count book. All states collect statistical data by city, county, township, and offer that data through some kind of written source. At that time I felt ready to sit back and attempt to talk to my daughter, hoping she wouldn’t be too embarrassed to talk to her ‘mother’.
I waited until my son, who was simply ten at the time, was on a camping trip along with his Boy Scout troop. My husband worked second shift and was at work. I was watching a movie with my daughter on television and I casually introduced the subject of boys, asking if she had a boyfriend. I was well aware that parents are often the last to know whenever a child has her first boyfriend. Although my daughter did not have a boyfriend yet, she added that she didn’t want a boyfriend because guys expected the lady to give up all her friends, didn’t want them to possess other regular friends who have been boys, and just wanted sex, whether that has been oral sex or physical copulation. She had learned this from the close girlfriend who was coping with her first boyfriend and who had confided in my daughter, needing someone to talk to.
This was the opening I have been looking forward to. First I told my daughter that I wasn’t trying to insinuate she had engaged in heavy petting or sex, and I wasn’t attempting to lecture, that I simply wanted to make sure she had the tools and knowledge needed if she were ever drawn to a man physically or emotionally. I informed her to jump in and correct me if she felt I were wrong or misguided about anything, to let me know easily was making her feel uncomfortable, and to share any information that she may have since my intent had not been to lecture or coerce.
I discussed the lengths many boys would go to get physical including telling the girl he loved her and would never cheat on her and if she loved him she would take part in a sexual act with him, or threatening to split up with the girl if she would not surrender to his sexual advances. My daughter added that a peer had also suffered through the experience of having a guy tell his friends and male peers at school they had “oral sex”, an act which hadn’t even taken place.
This in turn led to a discussion on how a woman might respond to a similar situation. I gave my sympathy for what the other girl was going right through by stating that this lie had to be very painful for the girl. I also explained that lots of guys, throughout their teen years often liked to brag about their conquests whether real or implied, as a way to convince peers of their sexual prowess. We discussed some options my daughter’s friend might take, including ignoring the guy and some of his friends who might make advances or snide remarks, to inform the guy that she feels sorry that he has to lie so as to feel important, or tell him she is not even going to dignify his lie with a reply.
My daughter responded that if it just happened to her she’d tell the guy loudly and in front of his friends, “maybe in your dreams” with heavy sarcasm. This is a good example of teenage bravado, a thing that could hold my daughter and other teens in good stead. I agreed that creating embarrassment for a young man might work. By having a mutual and open dialog from the beginning, I could interject a plethora of information. My daughter added little tidbits and asked some very intelligent questions.
At one point I stressed to my daughter that I hoped she would wait until marriage and that I was not condoning sexual activity beyond marriage. I added that I was aware that I would haven’t any control over any decision she’d eventually make regarding any sexual activity or when she chose to become sexually active and that my definitive goal was to prepare her for that eventuality. We discussed different sexually transmitted diseases and their symptoms, even though kids locally had received some of that information during intercourse education.
My daughter brought up the subject of peers who took alternate precautions to avoid an unwanted pregnancy because the male did not desire to wear a prophylactic. I was then in a position to let her know that the sexual ‘myths’ that lots of uninformed teens believe certainly are a complete fallacy. Those myths included using the rhythm method would dramatically reduce the odds of an unwanted pregnancy, as would getting the young man grab of the girl’s body before ejaculating, and learning when the fertile portion of the girl’s cycle using body temperature, etc. to make sure they did not engage in sex during that period of time.
I was asked about oral sex and when the act was sex, per se? My response was that yes, this is a sexual act that served to safeguard the guy from having a girl get pregnant, but that it is degrading to the girl and disrespectful. The lady could still get STDs like herpes and Chlamydia and AIDS, as could the guy, based on how promiscuous both parties had been in the past. It had been through the discussion on oral sex that I learned that a significant large numbers of my daughter’s peers were engaging in that sexual act as a way to “pleasure their boyfriends rather than get pregnant.”
I talked to my daughter, and later, my son, concerning the different types of love including infatuation, hormonal, lust, love for someone of the contrary sex that has been non-sexual, and the deep emotional love that comes with the maturity of adulthood. I explained a relationship, at any age, can rarely be sustained for just about any length of time if it is built primarily on sex, which was also one major reason many relationships end up in divorce court or separation and abandonment if the couple is not married.
Last, I asked my daughter to take into account weighing any future decisions she might consider regarding sex meticulously, considering all the benefits and drawbacks. To use protection as a means of avoiding STDs also to combine the use of a prophylactic with a foam or other contraceptive as a prophylactic could be, or become damaged. I also informed her I knew she’d never arrived at me with the info that she would take part in sex but that I would let her then twenty-six year old half sister know that she had my permission to help her get birth control pills at that time. I did so include the information that abstinence is the only guarantee she wouldn’t get an STD or have a baby.